This week presented a number of changes for everyone in our household. Jack had his first day of “school” on Monday. Brian took the day off so we could figure out the drop-off/pick-up routine and it also gave the two of us some time to grieve the life we knew while I was on maternity leave and maybe make a stop at Cocadotts for some emotional eating. We brought him in at 10:30 where he was all smiles – flirting with every female he saw. When we picked him up at 2:00 he gave an ear to ear grin when he saw us come in the room – man I love those smiles...
Brian went back to work on Tuesday and Jack had another half day at school; he was in a happy mood again when I dropped him off and picked him up. Wednesday was my first day back in the office, Jack’s first full day of school, Brian’s first day of dropping Jack off at school on his own and Buster’s first full day home alone in almost 4.5 months (though PopPop did come to play with him for a little while so he didn’t feel immediately neglected).
The past 3 days have had a number of ups and downs. Part of me felt good to get back to work and have some independence & intellectual stimulation, part of me felt guilty for feeling good to get back to work, part of me felt heartbroken that Jack will likely be given a bottle by 3 different people during the day, part of me felt terrible that I'll be without my baby for 9 hours a day, part of me felt bad that Buster was sitting home alone waiting for someone to come play fetch with him, part of me felt anxious wondering what time I’d eat dinner (food is always on the brain), I could go on and on but there could easily be a million parts to me, all thinking different things at the same time – Brian can attest to that.
I’m only 3 days in to this full-time “working mom” thing but I can already tell that I will feel judged (by everyone and anyone) and guilt-ridden no matter what I do. At the end of the day the only thing that matters is that our little boy feels loved and happy. We will do everything in our power & abilities to make sure of that…based on this face, I’d like to think we’re doing a pretty good job so far.
That smile is all that matters. The mom guilt (over working, not working, things you can control, the things you cant control, the decisions you have made, the decisions you need to make, and everything else under the sun) can be so overwhelming. I hope things are a little easier this week :)
ReplyDelete